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Delia may be in
dictionary, but only Gary Rhodes can claim to be the finest of British cooking
talent. Gary has been cooking since the age of eight, and confirms that the
gravy will be ready soon. Here, we present you a progress report on the
biographical film that is Rhodes: The Movie.
The Story So Far: Gary's mum will be played by Gillian Anderson, and Gary's dad
won't. The initial scene features an exciting chase through London, finishing
with Gary on the roof of the Millennium Dome. As director Calvin Broadus tells
us, "When we did the first take, some twelve months ago, Gary accidentally
fell through the roof of the Dome. When we went in to rescue him, we
accidentally removed all the interesting exhibits." Another day, another
mystery resolved.
21/11/00: We have
confirmation, much to everyone's relief (particularly Gary's, we'd imagine)
that there will be no sex scene with Jerry Springer. That’s modern Hollywood
for you. Gary, however, will be wearing Lycra for the exciting finale, again
for no obvious reason. The credits will be in, quote, “traditional 1830s style”
and there is talk of resurrecting Curt Cobain for the role.
13/03/00: Tragically, Rhodes:
The Movie is no more. Jodie Foster (set to play Herman Goering) has pulled
out for personal reasons, and Mr Broadus feels that "she played such a
critical role in the film that we cannot continue without her" The only
hope now is either an anime version straight to video, or an Aardman Animation
clay-mation style flick. Gary is believed to be in discussions with them now.
14/03/00: Gary: The
Movie is back on; Andy Peters will play Mr Richards. True, Andy Peters, as
a black male, is obviously the complete antithesis of Mr Richards, but it's
better than sandpapering your genitals (just ask Gary). Gail Porter will be
playing Gary's au pair - a Disney adaptation, as are Gary's two sidekicks Who
and Gives A Shit. They are both rabbits, to be played by Elizabeth Taylor and
her body double (curiously named Michael Jackson). Disclaimer: Yes, of
course yesterday's post was a publicity fake.
17/03/00: As a result of
an accident with a Toffee-Coated Onion, Anne Widdecombe has replaced Mr
Spidlofski as director. She will be bringing a political element to
proceedings, which is reflected in the choice of screenwriter - John Virgo.
What a talented young teapot he is.
28/08/01: All has been
quiet on the Gary: The Movie front, and for good reason. It fell into
copyright trouble over its similarity to Alfred Hitchcock's classic Attack of
the Old Oak Planks, as both featured wooden acting. It has taken some major
changes to the cast, but at last Gary: The Movie is entering production.
For a start, Sir Anthony Hopkins, most famous for being the front man in the
Rolling Stones, now adopts Gary’s role.
30/08/01: Filming got
underway today, on location in French New Guinea (near Rochdale, first turn on
the left). Gillian Anderson spent four hours in make-up, and she's only got 3
A-levels. She also insisted that her real father, Jimmy Somerville, was present
on the set at all times. The budget for the film is estimated at £4.70,
assuming the price of M&S Bacon Sandwiches stays constant (see Which
Sandwich?, issue 2). Kelly Jones today said, "I'm very excited about the
direction this film is taking." although it's not clear if he was actually
referring to Gary: The Movie or his own film “Kelly Jones Does Sweden”.
We'll keep you up to date.
31/08/01: We can today
reveal the news we've all been waiting for - the theme tune of Gary: The
Movie won't be performed by a talentless bunch of fop-haired losers.
Instead, it will be a new record from N’Sync, who are (of course) a serious
adult band tackling major modern issues. Originally lined-up were Slipknot, but
they passed because Clown has a sore throat and has shat his boiler suit.
10/12/01: ETM has
completed the first sector of it's filming! On hand to tell us about it was
Parkinson, only recently dead:
Interviewer: I'm over here Parkie.
Parkinson: Yeah, I know that. I have a squint.
Interviewer: Can we cut that part out of the interviewer?
<Unknown voice>: No. We need it
to pad out this feature, in the absence of any proper jokes.
Parkinson: So when did you first
realise this was going to be a big feature?
Interviewer: I think when I walked on
set and the director was absolutely smashed out of his face, I realised this
was going to be a new era in filming.
Parkinson: Have you noticed that we've
switched roles?
Interviewer: I ask the questions round
here.
Parkinson: What questions?
Interviewer: These ones
Parkinson: I don't see any questions
Interviewer: If you just shut up then I might be able to ask you some.
Parkinson: ...
Interviewer: Time for bacon
Parkinson: Mr Bin Laden, step this way
please.
-Interview terminated due to all
participants experiencing a quantum leap to Turkish Ghana.
To be continued
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"I've Got Some Good News, But I've Got Some Bad News" |  |
