Most people boast semi-rational beliefs about the Bible. If you are one of these people you needn’t be reading this. However, most crazy people think themselves to be perfectly sensible so your opinion is worthless and you might as well assume that you’re nuts.

If the Bible was divinely inspired it should at least be well written.

Language is simple enough for our feeble minds to comprehend it and compose it, albeit not very well, so surely a deity or a person inspired by a deity would have a capable grasp of the art. Most people admit that the Bible is simply a collection of stories, although the level of fiction and its purposes are greatly debated. But some people believe that the Bible is infallible, and the thing that bothers me is, why would anyone want to think that? Do they think their god is stupid? Do they enjoy having a judgmental, wrathful, bigoted, sexist, father-figure crybaby god who is literarily inept? If I were their god I’d be insulted.

Admittedly, I have not read the Bible. I tried to, but my zebra it was boring! But, people who have read the Bible claim that there are "poetic moments," and that sounds fair. The Bible is a compilation of many different authors at different levels of literacy and sanity, and so I would assume that some of it would be written well or interesting. I made the mistake of trying to read the Bible chronologically, and I’ve decided that whoever wrote Genesis was retarded.

Here is the first sentence of the first 9 chapters of Genesis [with notes]:
is [does anyone understand the Bible’s use of italics?] the book of the generations of Adam... And it came to pass [a very popular phrase], when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them [Wouldn’t the daughters have to be born before they multiplied?] ...And the Lord said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy [thy entire?] house into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation... And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle [Couldn’t the author have left it at "every living thing"? Why the special emphasis on cattle?] that was [note the italics] with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters asswaged [Spelling is hard]; The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained; And the waters returned from off the earth continually [What?]: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters abated.....And God blessed Noah and his sons {But not his wife or daughters!], and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth."

To my brain, that isn’t far off from this revised classic:

"Ones there was a unicorn her name was Starlight because of the shape around her horn. One day she was playing in the medow when a big harry dragon scard her. She scremed and ran down a path. he was as big as a skyscraper and as hairry as something relly hairry. and had a tale as long as a school bus. and feet as big as your house. But a small elf jumped in front of the Big dragon. And said in some kind of code 'eak ya someakycou' the dragon ran into a close cave. Now unicorns are cerryes [curious] so Starlight whent into the cave, the elf tried to stop her but bars fell in front of him. And he was to big enyway and the door shrank. So you know that Elfs are Magic so he srunk him self and went in. he heard a screm and ran he saw the magical prinses who can turn into inything she wants. He grew bigger, he got her wand and the dragon turned into the evil prince. The dragon fell into a trance the elf got the princes out of the cave and the Elf yoused magic and made the rocks fall. He saw the wand in the rocks and gave it to the prinses. They lived happyley ever after. The End."

That’s from a collection of drawings and stories by Ms. Kayla Konakis, titled "Fairy Tales for all Children." She was probably seven-ish when she penned that masterpiece comparable to the inspired writings of the Bible; take that King James! Speaking of ol’ Jim, his particular rendition is argued by some people to be the only worthwhile translation. Their reasoning? King James, being a king, was appointed by God, and therefore his handpicked translators were indirectly selected, and guided, by God. To get their complete explanation of how other bibles mold the reader into a Satanist, with point-by-point debates, check out G.A. Riplinger’s New Age Bible Versions.

I believe anyone who believes in anything that is in the Bible should be forced to read the entire thing. Why would I want to make my fellow brothers and sisters suffer? What hypocritical right do I have to insist such a thing? Well, I haven’t any excuse... but the Bible is too respected. If people who preach from it would read the damn thing maybe they would stop. Protestants often criticize Catholics of being idolaters because they pray to statues and rosaries, but Protestants idolize the Bible. Doing anything to or saying anything about the Bible that is not complimentary is considered sacrilegious. It is only a stack of thin, bound paper and tiny, modest lettering. It isn’t magical or sacred. I understand that the book itself is seen as a symbol of the beliefs expressed inside it, but a Virgin Mary statue only represents the values associated with Mary. It’s the same thing whether or not it’s idolatry.

But the biggest reason people need to read it is so we, as a society, can get over the myth of its being good. The Bible is considered to be literature. Why? Does it really teach anything that isn’t common sense? Can it be read over and over again with genuine interest? Does it evoke any kind of emotional response besides boredom, frustration, and anger? Is it entertaining? Maybe it’s considered literature just because it’s really old. That isn’t fair to Homer and Shakespeare, they actually had to be talented and make sense. People have been looking to the Bible for centuries for who knows what reasons, and these same people seem to have gotten something out of it. Thus, the only unfabricated value the Bible holds is its (usually negative) cultural and historical influence. Bonus Kayla Tale: "Ones there was a man named Peter he was a pumkan eater the one and onley. One day he marred. And had 3 children. He made them eat pumkan. But his wife said 'I devors' so he put her in a pumpkan shell and cept her verry well. The End"