A Bit About Me.


I figure if I'm going to make a big fucking deal about writing about your life, I might was well put my money where my mouth is. So here it is. My life.

You know, I don't really know that my life is all that interesting. I mean, I've already covered most of the bases. In all honesty I find places where the author sort of creates a constantly evolving portrait of himself to be the most interesting way of doing autobiography on the net. I mean, jesus, I'm 20. Nothing's happened yet. However, I'm not one to back away from a challenge, and so if I can't think of anything, I will just lie a lot.


I was born January 11th, 1982. Sadly, I died at birth. My parents named me Ian, which means Iain. Which Means Sean. Which means John. Which means Jose. I am not Mexican.

I was able to walk within 6 hours of birth. Like a fawn. Also like a fawn, I had four hooves and little white spots. But I grew out of that. I could also swim really early on, but have since developed a debilitating fear of diving boards, and can't swim in a pool that has one.

I went to all these crazy hippy schools early on. The Kindergarden I went to had a pony, and I assumed this was normal. The pony had to go though, cause it kicked my sister in the head (that is all true). Also there were these weird old people who lived at the bottom of the hill the school was on, and one time they gave me a toy helicopter and that was cool, and they never tried to molest me or anything, and none of the candy was poison or anything, so I guess instead of weird they were nice and just kinda lonely. I don't know why they had a toy helicopter lying around though. That was pretty fucking weird.

Our first car was this ugly red volkswagon of some kind. It didn't have A/C and I'm pretty sure it's the first thing I ever hated. One time my mom left me in the car while she grabbed some groceries and it got so hot that I died. THAT SHOWED HER!

When I first went to public school I hated it. You had to sit in desks and do all these lame fucking work sheets and there were all these mexicans who would talk to you in spanish and if you said anything back they'd start laughing no matter what. This one time we had this class book where we all drew and wrote a page and I did a dinosaur and this fucker named Tito was all "eet looks like bones mang!" and then he started laughing, even though he hadn't talked in spanish. Then people called me Bones for a long time and I hated it because I was young and didn't understand that being called Bones is BAD ASS. One time I punched Tito right in the eye, then I went and hid in the bathroom so that I couldn't get in trouble. It was cause he stole our ball, it had nothing to do with calling me Bones.

Also our school's principle was really nice. My mom called him a marshmellow one time, and at the time I just thought it was cause he was pretty fat. I thought it was awesome that my mom was calling the principle fat. Anyway, he had this program where you'd get good citations for helping out a teacher or something, then they'd give you a sucker and put your name in a jar, and he'd pull the names and the students he pulled would get to have pizza for lunch on friday with a can of coke, which in first grade was like saying we would all get free blow jobs. My friends and I decided to get as many citations as possible to weigh the odds. We started by collecting trash and stuff, but but wednesday there wasn't enough trash. That's when I realized the garbage cans were FULL of trash. So essentially we started bringing the school garbage that had already been thrown away and they would enter us to win free pizza. It was fucking rad.

I was really lazy too. I HATED school. I just never wanted to do the work. One time my teacher held me in at recess and sat me down in a corner with my math homework and was like "Ok, you have no distractions. Get some work done." And I got like 4 problems done before I got so bored that when she came back I was tracing my veins with my pencil. Then I got lead poisoning and died. THAT SHOWED ME!

In second grade I changed to a school they'd just built that didn't have mexicans but sure had a lot of retarded kids. There were wheel chair ramps for everything. It was the most handicap accesable school in the district. It never really effected me though. I know some people that have a phobia of disabled people but mostly it just meant that every once in a while there was shit all over the bathroom floor.

The only thing I really remember from second grade is that freeze ball tag was played on fucking epic levels. Like, it was insane. At least 50 kids. One time people kept saying I was out, but that was bullshit cause I caught the ball and none of those fuckers could even see me anyway. Anyway this big group of kids surrounded me and they were all yelling that I had to drop the ball and I was scared and angry and no one would let me talk so I took a swing and punched some girl in the face. She started crying and I tried to go hide in the bathroom, but it didn't matter cause the next day I had a dentention waiting for me at my desk.

This other time Neal stole my micromachines, and Miss Montalachi took them from me when I stole them back, and after class Neal told her that they were his and HE NEVER APOLOGIZED. The little fucker laughs about it to this day. As you can see Neal is a totally peice of shit. I mean jesus. They were the ones where you could snap on a shell and turn them from a truck into a truck with spikes and guns too. And that little fucker got them.

I'm really still too angry to start another paragraph. I mean JESUS. And SHE BELIEVED him. Fucking Neal. I'll GET YOU FOR THIS!!!!!!!

I think my parents got divorced around this time. My dad got a condo. It was weird, cause at this point most kid's parents were still together. I remember going over to his place and being really really bored cause all my toys were at home. His computer had frogger though, and a few other games, and I played those A LOT.

Then my dad moved in with this Kathy lady. She had two daughters (three actually, but Micha was living with her dad and stealing cars and was altogether too busy to be involved in my life story at this point). Kathy used to do her ironing in the backyard to get tan, and she did it topless, and I was like 7 so it really weirded me out. I didn't know whether or not I should look. I still don't.

Her kids had an Atari 2600, but people forget that most 2600 games are kinda shitty. I still played it, cause the girls were, as girls are, total fucking bitches. Little girls are so mean. I mean, boys are obnoxious, and they may get mad and hit you, but they could hit anything and feel better. Little girls will like, hold in the hate and anger and then like, pull your hair as hard as they can, not so they feel better, but so they know you felt pain. Little girls are fucked up.

I used to go skiing a lot when I was young. This one time I went off a trail, and got lost, and I think I was supposed to meet my mom some where, but I was stuck in deep snow. I don't know how long I was there. I froze to death and it fucking sucked.

I was pretty young when I realized that the best thing about Disney land is churros. Apparently now they have Chocolate and Strawberry churros. That sounds fucking weird. Make mine cinnamon.

By this time I was in Gifted and Talented. It was supposed to be this program for the smart kids to go and be super smart, but mostly we just like, sat around and did arts and crafts and shit. I mean, we learned about pyramids and stuff, but at one point we also made pyramid hats. What the fuck is that? Pyramid hats? Also, our teacher one year was Mr. Meister, and he was WEIRD. He was married to a girl like 1/2 his age and he still hit on Nisha's mom. In front of Nisha.

I mean is it even really a Churro if it's not cinnamon?

When I was in fourth grade on a GT trip I broke my wrist during this huge pillow fight. I was on some other dude's bunk and he pushed me off, and i fell, and instead of being able to put my hand on the ground, I went wrist first on some dude's shoe. That didn't stop me from pillow fighting though. I didn't even know it was broken till the next day. Interesting side note, the dude who's foot I landed on turned out to be the son of my teacher from kindergarden. Weird.

On the same trip two years later they made this big speech to all the kids about how we need to be good in the rooms cause a few years ago some kid broke his wrist. Also Jeff, Nisha and I went on a hike up to this rad cliff side ruins that used to be a WWII army base. When we got back Jeff and I got in all this trouble and Nisha just walked off cause she's a girl. Apparently they thought we'd be stupid and fall off the cliff. I guess I showed them when I fell of the Golden Gate Bridge instead. I GUESS I SHOWED THEM!

In Sixth grade my teacher was a giant fucking turd. His name was James Cole. And he was a fucker. He was always a little too close to the girls. One time a few years later I talked to this chick about him and she said he once gave her a silver ring, and it creeped her out, and i was like "Rightly so." He was also an insane republican who was always complaining about femnazis and shit. Apparently a few years later he punched a lady teacher and was moved to a posistion where he doesn't deal with kids.

Junior High was fuckin ridiculous. It's basically a holding pen to keep all these fucked up little freaks from taking it out on younger kids, and to keep them from getting the beatings they deserve from older kids. Then again, High School isn't much better. I mean, you have to be taught everything from 1st grade up all over again. And guess what? You're gonna re-learn most of it in College.

Right now I live in Seattle. I'm a victim of the dot com boom bust and am very very poor. Please send me money. Or boxes of Mac and Cheese (that's Kraft Dinner to you U.K. types). If you don't, I will starve to death, and the site will be updated even less.